Restaurants are in business to make money, and if there is a large enough segment of the population that WANTS smoke-free restaurants, you are going to have plenty of smoke-free restaurant options. Laws of economics dictate that someone will provide that benefit to the public if there is a real demand for it. If there are NO smoke-free restaurants, then you should open one, and make a fortune catering to the smoke-free crowd. The same principle works in reverse. A place like California, where smoking in restaurants will land you a night in the pokey, has a HUGE demand for smoking restaurants, and absolutely no supply. If you could disobey the law, and open a smoking restaurant, you'd probably make money hand over fist from smokers looking for a safe haven.

The bullet narrowly missed 20-year-old Seth Logan, who said he picked the wrong time to ask his dad for a car...
- posted by Brian @ 12:16 PM |

The band Hell on Earth said on its Web site, www.hellonearth.net, that a terminally ill member of the Euthanasia Society would commit suicide at the concert at an undisclosed location in St. Petersburg.
. . . . .
The St. Petersburg-based band is known for its outrageous acts. At one concert, dead rats were put into a blender and some audience members drank the concoction.

This was taken through the engine, showing Matt underneath the car. What it doesn't show very well was the strange brownish liquid that was repeatedly dripping on his face. Hell, I didn't care for it dripping on my arm, but damn, that just sucks dude.

I'm just curious, honestly, because it occurred to me this morning while I was toasting mine (with a nice Brut champagne, if you must know) that it's the stupidest invention since capri pants. (More on that subject another time.)

You pull out a muffin from the bag and grab a fork to split it open. Wow, well done. Except that assuming that all you're having is the muffin, you know have a crumb-covered fork you have to wash and then get out a knife anyway to put butter and/or jelly on the damn muffin. So you should've just used the knife in the first place, which I think most people do.

That's no big deal, except that I'm sure whatever kooky process they use to cut up just the inside of the muffin is more complex than the thread-and-banana trick. I'm sure someone spent countless man-hours developing a way to do it, when they could've just been putting the damn muffins in a regular slicer.

It's almost as if they wanted people to have the option to split the muffin. Who the hell eats an unsplit muffin? I could sort of understand not putting anything on it, just eating it dry, but the best part of an English muffin is that cool internal texture, all toasted and rough on your tongue. Without that, an english muffin is just a small, dry loaf of bread with seeds of some kind on the outside.

God, I'm so hungry.
- posted by Bacon Dad @ 12:52 PM |

The only thing I can hope is that the alleged "victim" gets the shit beat out of him a lot.
- posted by Bacon Dad @ 12:08 PM |

Oh, great: Gnat has an imaginary friend now. Name of “Sally.”

“Are you sure it’s not a demon?” I asked my wife. She gave me that wifely look. “Because when your kid starts talking about creatures we can’t see, I think we ought to include demons in the mix of possible reasons.”

The exterior is a big-time poke in the eye, especially the bulbous west grandstand that weighs down brutally on Soldier Field's once-proud columns, as if William "Refrigerator" Perry had plunked his ample haunches atop a picket fence.
- posted by Brian @ 6:57 AM |

I work in Washington, which is, unfortunately, Redskin country. Even more unfortunately, Washington is playing well. This means I have to put up with all these damn Redskins fans basking in their unexpected glory, because they were supposed to suck. Oh, and one of our sports people (a chick, which probably explains it) actually said in her overnight report that the Eagles UPSET the Bills. Say what? I know the Bills had a good start and the Iggles didn't, but if Philly's ever at the point where a win over Buffalo is an upset, I'm going to stab myself in the face. Especially if Buffalo continues to wear uniforms they picked up at a USFL rummage sale.

In related news, I'm happy to report that I beat Matt at Fantasy Football with one running back tied behind my back. That's getting to be a habit. I guess I'm the Marlins in his Phillies' march to the playoffs; the Broncos in his Browns' charge to the Super Bowl.

From the Holy Shit department: I saw Von Hayes on TV in a baseball uniform last night. And Tom Herr. And Steve Bedrosian. And Len Dykstra. You get the point. This, of course, was at the closing ceremonies for the Vet. They basically all looked the same as they did when they played, except add a beer belly. Juan Samuel couldn't make it because he's coaching baseball somewhere, which is even more unbelievable than it would have been to see him in a Phils uniform again.
- posted by Brian @ 4:33 AM |

I don't know who this character is, but it's his last day, and clearly he's in a weird, weird mood.

[Correction: in this case it wasn't a reporter that called in, just another engineer transmitting CBS Radio stuff recorded by other people like Dr. Joyce Brothers. Thanks to Milo for being such a picky bitch and correcting me.]
- posted by Bacon Dad @ 12:09 PM |

[Aside from The Hearn: These people, are, how you say, Sofa King We Todd Did.]
- posted by Brian @ 7:44 AM |

Thanks to a new federal baby-name database that goes back past 1900, it is actually possible to track the provenance and popularity of the name Madison. From this source, one can see that Madison has historical roots, as do many popular names. Mary, for example, was the name of the mother of the Christian deity; David was a wise and compassionate king. Madison was the name of a mermaid played by Daryl Hannah in the 1984 movie "Splash." Her real name was an ear-piercing squeal, so she selected a new name from a street sign in midtown Manhattan. That's it. The numbers make it clear there is no other derivation. Before the 1980s, the name Madison was not among the thousand most popular names in America.

Dear Sir,

Before I introduce myself, I wish to inform you that this letter is not a hoax mail and I urge you to treat it serious. We want to transfer to overseas account ($35,000.000.00 USD) (Thirty Five Million United States Dollars) from a Standard Trust Bank Ltd here in Nigeria, I want to ask you, If you are not capable to quietly look for a reliable and honest person who will be capable and fit to provide either an existing bank account or to set up a new Bank a/c immediately to receive this money, even an empty a/c can serve to receive this money, as long as you will remain honest to me till the end for this important business trusting in you and believing in God that you will never let me down either now or in future.

I am Dr. Muhammad Khalil Hasan, the Auditor General of Standard Trust Bank Ltd here in Nigeria. During the course of our auditing, I discovered a floating fund in an account opened in the bank in 1996 and since 1998 nobody has operated on this account again, after going through some old files in the records I discovered that the owner of the account died without a [Heir/WILL] hence the money is floating and if I do not remit this money out urgently it will be forfeited for nothing.

The total amount involve is ($35,000.000.00 USD) (Thirty Five Million United States Dollars) and we wish to transfer this money into a safe foreigners account abroad. But I don't know any foreigner, I am only contacting you as a foreigner because this money can not be approved to a local person here, but to a foreigner who has information about the account, which I shall give to you upon your positive response. I am revealing this to you with believe in God that you will never let me down in this business, you are the first and the only person that I am contacting for this business, so please reply urgently so that I will inform you the next step to take urgently.

At the conclusion of this business, you will be given 40% of the total amount, 60% will be for us, I look forward to your earliest reply.

PLEASE, TREAT THIS PROPOSAL AS TOP SECRET.

Find in the attachment my Family Picture, to proof who I am.

Best Regards

Dr. Muhammad Khalil Hasan.

My reply:

I'M VERY GLADD THAT U ROTE ME DOCTER

I HAVE A PROBLM WITH MY SCROTEM I THIHNK I PUNCTURED IT

IT ALL STARTED VERY INOSENTLY, DIPPING MY SACK IN HEAVY WHIPPING CREAM AND LETING MY CAT LICK IT OFF MY BALLS WHILE I MASTERBATED BUT THEN I TRIED SOME CHIKEN GRAVY AND IT JUST WENT TOO FAR AND LUCKY BIT ME

NOW I HAVE A SMALL HOLE IN MY YAMBAG AND A YELLOWWISH SMELLY FLUID IS LEAKING OUT AND MY BALLS ACHE SO BAD

I'M AFRIAD TO GO TO THE DOCTERS HERE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE INSURANCE AND I'M AN ILLEGAL CANADIAN ALIEN AND THEY'LL SEND ME BACK TO TORONTO AND MY DAD WILL BE ABLE TO FIND ME AND MAKE ME MARRY MY SISTER AND THEY'RE ALL GODLESS HEATHENS AND SHIT

I TREID TO TAPE THE HOLE SHUT WITH MASKING TAPE BUT IT JUST GETS STUCK TO MY PUBES AND RIPS THEM OUT SO I SHAVED MY CROTCH AND I THINK I CUT OPEN MY URETER A LITTLE BIT CAUSE NOW WHEN I PEE I HAVE TO SIT DOWN OR IT GETS EVERYWHERE AND NOW IT DRIBBLES DOWN MY WRINKLY BAG AND REALLY HURTS WHERE LUCKY BIT ME

ALSO LUCKY DIED THIS MORNING AND WHEN I TRIED TO FLUSH HIM THE TOILET STUCK SO NOW HIS BACK END STICKS OUT OF MY JOHN ALL HAIRY AND WET I'M SO CONFUSED

OH WELL I GOT 2 GO SO PLEEZ RIGHT BACK AND TELL ME HOW I CAN FIX MY JUNK AND BRING MY CAT BACK TO LIFE THANKLS
- posted by Bacon Dad @ 10:24 AM |

"We were going to let the fans name the team, but there's no money in that," said team owner John Baker.

sexysusan: Thats ok. Ok I'm a japanese schoolgirl, what are you.
J-Dogg: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
sexysusan: Haha, ok lets go.
sexysusan: I start unbuttoning your shirt.
J-Dogg: Rhinoceruses don't were shirts.
sexysusan: No, your not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
J-Dogg: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They fuking charge your ass.
sexysusan: Stop, c'mon be serious.
J-Dogg: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.

We don't have a Patriot Act in the NBA. That means that you're innocent until proven guilty.

The new names on the minds of shoe executives include [basketball-playing] ninth graders O.J. Mayo and Taylor King, both of whom attended ABCD Camp last year, as well as seniors Sebastian Telfair and Shaun Livingston.

Thought of this story again while reading about the soldiers who were offered the chance to leave their post because of Isabel. They were guarding the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington; this would have been the first time the tomb was unguarded. They said, in essence, sir no thank you sir.

"Sue Ismael was desperate to find a product that would remove -- as painlessly as possible -- the thick dark hair covering the arms and legs of her daughter, six-year-old Natalie," explains the Nad's website. So she named the product not "Natalie's," but "Nad's." Now, what's worse: your mom telling everyone you're a six-year-old Sasquatch, or your mom naming you after the balls? . . . . . The gastrointestinal effects of this taste test were slightly more worrisome. The baby started crying at 4:00 am, and as I went into his room to soothe him, I accidentally emitted a quantity of burning intestinal gas that kept the poor infant awake for a full hour, tearfully rubbing his nose and eyes. That probably makes me a bad parent, but at least I didn't create a hair removal product for him called 'Yambag.'

Fan Mail.... hey buddie, your car is so gay, you dont know anything about imports. Also, your car is supposed to have a "timex" tachometer, well it's a da*n clock. you are so dumb for even trying to sell it. plus you shouldn't say that it's a type r, you don't even know what a type r is. you are such a douche bag! sorry but your dumb.

Christians who remain bitter about the Jewish role in Jesus' death are being transparently un-Christian.

I’ve read enough editorials from various papers from this period to reinforce something I’ve long suspected: the reason many editorialists hate this war is because they don’t feel it’s theirs.

Y'all are so wack! Wiggidy-wack? No, just regular type.

When you fall in a bottomless pit, you die of starvation.

CEREBELLUM'D!

But since three other students at Elkins Elementary in Kensington beat him up in the schoolyard in June, Daquan has not been himself. His mother, Christine Wilson, says he's shunned his favorite hobbies, is sullen and has been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

...so we're hanging my Tech pictures downstairs, we step back to take a look, and Kris says, "[Michael] Vick's left handed?" I'll miss her.

What amuses me, in that not-amused-at-all sort of way, is that whoever parents these little vandals has to know what they're up to: You'd come across a can of spray paint in the kid's stuff, or sniff the telltale aroma of acetone. Oh, it's possible your son is a freelance chrome retoucher, and spent the night spritzing silver paint on old car bumpers. It's possible. It's possible that he's set up a booth down the block offering to make old, tired quarters look like new. It's possible. It's possible that tiny invisible yaks are, at this moment, scampering around in my pants.

She said she came home from work April 30 and smoked pot with and had sex with Long, who had moved his things out of the house earlier that day. Smith fell asleep, and when she awoke, she testified, Long was holding a knife to his stomach threatening suicide.
She said the one-legged Long -- "he hops -- he gets around better than you and I," she testified -- then tried to choke her with the dog leash as she tried to flee.

You have to be careful with whiskey. Because when you drink whiskey, you don't know where you're gonna end up, you only know you won't be wearing pants.

"I am sorry for what I have done. I love music and don't want to hurt the artists I love," the girl said.

Recently let go from KRBZ (Alternative) for an on air bit involving a dwarf, a personal escort and the boss' office. (It was a dramatization of a local news story).

Since the showman began his stunt Friday, people have attempted to dislodge him by throwing eggs at his transparent box -- measuring 7ft deep, 7ft long and 3ft wide. Blaine, a self-styled modern-day Houdini, has also been taunted by the smell of fish and chips, and woken up by a man banging a drum.

He can watch tha show wit tha freaky puppet bloodsucka that counts off tha numbahz. Back inna day, that same show used to have a pinball-machine cartoon wit numbahz in it, too. That wuz dope. But my boy can't watch nothin' else, 'specially not that wack sponge wit' no dignity.

Imagine if some enormous cat chose another human for you to be stuck in a small apartment with for the next decade or so: what if you didn’t like the person? Just leave the window open and let “Bojangles” (P.S. give him a new name that has dignity, such as Dave or Matt) go make his own friends. If he brings one home then cool, cook them up some grub and let them do what they want.

The new $20 contains background colors of pink (peach) and blue, in addition to different shades of green.
It is the first time since 1905 that U.S. currency has prominently featured a color other than green.

I want congress dissolved, the court system abolished, and martial law to be established. I want Amerika to be run in secret, by men whose names and locations are unknown to the public. I want fascism, totalitarianism, tyranny. I want a system of terror and fear and death. I want targeted killings of subversives. I want poisoned water supplies for dissenting regions. I want hell for everyone, all at once, with no sweet talk.
Because then, maybe, the sheeple of Amerika will wake up and see what is happening to them. Then they may come to realize that none of it is for their own good. They might, just maybe, stand up for themselves and fight back against the government/industrial complex that has been abusing and oppressing them, bit by bit, for the better part of the 20th century (and thus far, the whole of the 21st).

One of the members chose to create a sign that said something to the effect of "if you can sing, women will want you." While walking around campus, I also noticed a recent flier stating that if you "enjoy the screams from enamored throngs of scantily clad female fans . . . you might have what it takes to be a Y-Chrome."
As a member of the campus community and as a man, I find this quite offensive.

The first article is only moronic because of this, from Andrew Joslyn:

Having participated in boycotts and protests of the Gap, I was disgusted when I saw the article on UDaily offering information on how to "Save the Gap" as if the Gap was an endangered species in need of preservation (which it clearly is not).

We can support a clothing store that offers, perhaps, organic cotton and hemp clothes that are traded and produced fairly and are helpful to the protection of our environment.

11:03 OK, here's my idea of Hell: Turning the channel to the football game, then seeing 350-pound Sam Adams rumbling down the sideline for a Bills TD while Dierdorf cackles hysterically in the background. Throw in hot coals, anchovies and some Clay Aiken music and we'd be all set. Bills 21, Pats 0.

We are now facing a time of chill, with repercussions both silly ('freedom fries') and substantial (tourism and commerce in both directions have taken a hit). There is a great deal of hand-wringing about it on both sides of the Atlantic. No one seems quite certain how to deal with it -- least of all the French, who thought it a swell idea to enlist Woody Allen to tell us, as a specialist in ethics, how we are being unfair to France.

• "If it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick."
• "If I want directions, I'm not asking a guy with one tooth. I'm asking a guy with one leg. 'Cause he definitely knows the easiest way to get there."
• On wisdom-imparting parrots: "Nobody has freckles on their ass. Wear a condom. Squaaaawk!"

The Administration makes a few peeps about allowing a certain segment of post-boomer workforce actually have some control over a wee portion of their Social Security money, and you’d think they’d demanded we strip Granny of her flesh and toss her in a vat of lemon juice.

• If you're fat, buy looser pants so your ass doesn't explode out of them.
• Chicks are kinda insane.
• Chicks are also really hot.

Special kudos to Meg Ryan here for getting [Tom] Cruise to make that "I'm trying to cry but I can't make the tears come, so I'll look like I'm taking a dump instead" face.

"Minnesota recently adopted a concealed carry law, and some businesses put up signs proclaiming that they were 'gun free,' " Lott said. "A couple of those stores have been robbed. So there has been a move among some store owners to reconsider advertising the fact that they are not armed."

• They're going to remain close friends, but they can't be married anymore. Meaning: I love you as a person and a friend, but I'm no longer interesting in screwing you. That's basically the same relationship I have with my mother. Gay guys often have close relationships with their mothers. See where I'm going here? Could you please tell me, then? I'm totally lost.
• Lance wears tight lycra shorts on the job. "Loves the Wang," table for one!
• Okay, the man is named "Lance." C'mon. Is there really any doubt?

The NFL season begins tonight!!!

• The Eagles will lose the NFC championship game for the third straight year, followed by a 2004 offseason in which they have to cut every major contributor because of salary cap issues. The Delaware Valley will collectively slit its wrists.
• Vinny Testaverde will guide the previously-playoff-contending Jets to a 7-9 finish. My boy Craig will hunt down Laveranues "Lavernandshirley" Coles and remove his knee caps. With childproof scissors.
• Priest Holmes will threaten the record for TDs in a season and come 2 short when his hip finally gives out in week 15. The Chiefs will make the playoffs but get gang raped in the first round. Dick Vermeil will cry. (Surprise, surprise.)

• Eating something that's giving me a little Montezuma's Revenge, such as undercooked beef, or Mexican food.
• An extreme hangover.
• Having to stay up all night working on something.

One of the most pernicious aspects of slavery was the presumption that it was somehow a "favor" to blacks for their masters to feed, clothe and house them, on the premise they could have not otherwise have figured out how to fend for themselves and their families. Isn't that the underlying presumption of the modern welfare state?

All in all, frustrating but fun, which is pretty much what golf is all about. It's much easier if you're blasted.

Speaking of yesterday, I got good and wrecked at a couple parties. Went to a party at Niles, boyfriend of Nora, friend of Hearnwife, and played beer pong. Then we went to my parents and ate a bunch of food and drank a bunch of wine and beers. This is always good times. I highly recommend it. You just can't go wrong with getting a buzz on and then laying on your sister to attempt to smush her butt.
- posted by Bacon Dad @ 12:13 PM |