I used to give the dog these gigantic lacquered pig's ears to eat. And by "pig's ears" I mean Ear of Pig. Actual severed swine-points. Jasper loved them, but over time he developed a peculiar neurosis that reminded you how smart, and how daft, our canine friends can be. He wanted to eat his pig's ear and have it, too. He realized that if he ate the ear it would cease to be. And hence he would not have it. But if he did not eat it, he would not enjoy the rich, crackly, porky goodness. So he carried them around, crying. Upstairs on the landing, down in the basement, all around the house, boo-hoo. We'd be watching TV and he'd come into the living room, drop the ear on the floor, whine. I would show him the Magical Bag of Pig's Ears -look! There are more! Don't worry! This is America. As ye consume, so shall they be replaced. But this just made things worse. Eventually, I got rid of them altogether, and he seemed relieved.

Fitzy's Magic Number is 3. This could be the earliest playoff-clinching since, um, last year, when I believe I started 6-0 and clinched in week 10. With a few strategic losses by other folks, Fitzy could actually clinch it all this week. At this point, he can be guaranteed the top seeding in the playoffs only by winning out (13-1, a record almost unheard of in Fantasy games), but a few losses by Mary and his magic number will drop like my pants at a kegger.

GAME OF THE WEEK: Mary vs. Kyle. If Mary loses: Kyle probably moves into the top 3, and The Hearn most likely takes over the #2 spot with a cruise over Boses. If Kyle loses: Kyle drops down significantly into the "5-4" pack, and Hearn goes nowhere. Kyle: please win.

Team Fitzy Will Perform the Cleveland Steamer on: Doug. Although I'm pretty sure everybody in the league is hoping Doug will pull off a miracle, with the possible exceptions of the rest of the 4-4 teams who may not be pleased if Doug E. Fresh jumps 3 spots in the standings.

Easy games with no meaning: The Brians vs. Craig and Unga. Assuming the Brians both win, they won't move much in the standings, unless Smith pulls a monster 135+ point game out of his ass and passes Loewen on points. (Side note: if either of those teams lose, they are pretty much fucked in the standings. Why, you ask? They are atop approximately 37438 teams with the same record but less points.)

Teams I haven't discussed yet:

• Hearn: With a strong blowout against Bo, my magic number could become 1. The following week's game against Mary will be the showdown of the year.
• Unga: His technique of constantly picking up the top player on the Available Players list has helped him along to a superb 2-6 record. He's almost certainly out of the playoffs at this point; one more loss and he's done and should possibly considering trading Donovan McNabb to me.

Gene: I am calling about your Stone Ground Buckwheat pancake mix. I just wanted to say I consider this product extremely offensive to African Americans.

Chelsea: Okay. How come?

Gene: "Buckwheat" is a thinly veiled reference to a stereotypical black character.

Chelsea: I believe the actual grain is called buckwheat. That is why we put it in the name.

1. Why couldn't this happen when I went to school there?
2. I need to learn to make moonshine.

I asked the Rev. Morris if he could give me a curse to place on the Yankee dugout. ''Episcopalians aren't really big on curses,'' he said. ''We're more involved in blessings.'' He told me that recently, at St. John's Episcopal Church in Saginaw, he participated in a Blessing of the Animals, during which he attempted to bless a cocker spaniel, and it bit him.

I'm coming down with a cold, as I almost always do after going to the faculty recruitment conference. It's contagion central, as candidates from all over the country come into a room, shake hands with every member of the committee, talk for a while, shake hands again, and leave. By the time candidates from all over the country have met with committees from all over the country, it's a veritable microbe-fest, and it always takes place at the beginning of cold-and-flu season. Ugh. Remember, when you shake hands with people, you're shaking hands with everyone they've shaken hands with. . . .

When I look at the great animation of the past, I have the same reaction I have when I see a skyscraper from the end of the Jazz Age boom. Magnificent, utterly American - and for all the machinery involved, it all comes down to the movement of the human hand.

The hand behind the mouse creates something different than the hand behind the pen. Better and worse and worse and better. Classical animation is dead, I think. Frescos, meet oil.

"I don't really worry about that," O'Neal said when asked about the state of the relationship. "I'm here to do a job. ... If he's open, I'm going to give it to him. If I'm open, I expect him to give it to me. I don't care about [expletive] else he does, and I know he don't care [expletive] else I do."

It's been a stressful year for the 37-year-old, whose fourth wife, Sherrie, was recently charged as part of an alleged drug ring and faces up to 20 years in prison.

A jogger who was rammed three times by a cow protecting her calf and sustained two pelvic fractures now is seeking reimbursement for her lost wages while she recovered from the owner of the cow and the city.

(Thanks to Dave Barry for the link)
- posted by Bacon Dad @ 9:32 AM |

According to Needham, the only witness to the accident said Quoc was chasing his 1987 Jaguar in circles in the parking lot. Just as the unidentified witness called out to Quoc to get away from the car, it struck Quoc and knocked him to the pavement, Needham said. The car then circled around twice more, running him over each time. The last time, Needham said, Quoc was "rolled up inside the wheel well," causing the car to stop.

Reverend Stephen White, infamous for preaching against homosexuality and sexual promiscuity at Yale and other college campuses, now faces charges that he solicited sex from a teenage boy in a Philadelphia suburb.

In recent years, White -- known to students as "Brother Stephen" -- has made informal speeches on Cross Campus and Beinecke Plaza denouncing minorities, homosexuals, religious groups and aspects of popular culture.

White was arrested in June after he allegedly offered $20 to a 14-year-old boy in West Chester, Pa. for permission to perform oral sex on him.

Actor Jim Caviezel has been struck by lightning while playing Jesus in Mel Gibson's controversial film The Passion Of Christ.

. . .

It was the second time Michelini had been hit by lightning during the shoot.

www.firegradylittle.com is an available domain name. -- Robert Form, Cambridge, Mass.

While watching the NFL, my wife once asked me, "Which guy is the quarterback?" She literally knows nothing about sports. Yet last night after the Bernie Williams hit in the eighth, she kept asking, "How come that guy is still pitching?" -- Al Hill, Los Angeles

I saw my 8-year-old nephew, just like me in '78, refuse to get out of bed this morning after watching his favorite team rip his heart out for the first time in his life. I feel guilty for giving him a lifetime of heartache. Please tell me I'm still a good person. -- Steve E. Rochester, N.Y.

Didn't go to church on Sunday because my pastor is a Yankee fan, and I knew I would end up going to hell if I ran to the front of the congregation and beat him senseless when he made some snide remark. -- Jon Stebbins, Burlington, Vt.

www.firegradylittle.com is now taken. -- Robert Form, Cambridge, Mass.

"I didn't know anyone like me until I met one of my co-workers. He told me that he is a blood drinker like me. And so we started talking about it. And now I don't feel alone.''

Good for you, Mr. Rather!

"He was not even intoxicated. He had a couple of drinks and was getting ready to head back home to Newport Beach to continue training for his comeback to the NBA," [Rodman's Agent Darren] Prince said the in the statement.

This is stunning news, so I'll just come out and say it: Barring any last-minute holdups, I'm going to be involved in this 'Cold Pizza' show on Tuesdays and Thursdays, hopefully starting this week. Get the TiVo ready. It's a very cool idea. You'll see. That's all I'm going to say.

"There's three truths. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I always thought there was just one truth," he said. "Jesus said, 'Ye shall know the truth.'"

. . .

He said he hopes to be found innocent "by the grace of Allah."

Apparently Gregg Easterbrook said something "anti-semitic" (although if you check his blog, you can read his apology, which quotes the questionable sentences; if they count as anti-semitic, most of my off-color jokes qualify me for at least the same level of hell as Himmler) and ESPN found out and fired him for it. However, the same post also criticizes Michael Eisner, CEO of Disney, which of course owns ESPN. Which do YOU think would piss off the boss more, a poorly worded comment about religious faith and greed, or directly slamming Disney's leadership?
- posted by Bacon Dad @ 1:43 PM |

What the "Bush implied it" claim really amounts to is an astonishing admission that the corps of journalists and pundits who cover national politics, and who pride themselves on their sophistication in doing so, got the story wrong

What's more, they got it wrong in the face of explicit statements from the President, and others.

That's far more humiliating than any retraction. It's an admission of outright professional incompetence. These guys claim to be able to get to the truth when the President is lying. Meanwhile, they can't even get to the truth when he's explicitly telling the truth. How pathetic is that?

"This has been one of the most important experiences of my life". He then broke down again.

. . .

Blaine then mounted the scales to discover that he now weighs 11 stones, 1oz (154 lbs). This represents a loss of some four stones (56 pounds).

Note: The item's been deleted. Oh well. No fun. Don't bother clicking.
- posted by Bacon Dad @ 12:20 PM |

So if I decide to watch the World Series, which is unlikely at this point, I get to watch the Marlins versus the Yankees. The Fish vs. Satan's Minions.

Is there justice in this world? No. Is Grady Little a fucking moron? Yes. Let's see: your star pitcher is in the 7th inning. He has thrown almost 120 pitches. Earlier there was some concern about his arm hurting. He has allowed two players to get on base. He has thrown well to this point, but is obviously weakening. You have three options:

• Leave him in.
• Ask him what he wants to do, to which he will undoubtedly reply "Leave me in," so this is basically the same as the first option.
• GET HIM THE HELL OUT OF THERE AND GET SOMEBODY IN TO PUT THE FIRE OUT.

No Cubs. No Red Sox. And I'm not even drunk, just hopped up on cold medication. It's 12:24 in the morning and time to go to bed.

Why, God, why?
- posted by Bacon Dad @ 12:24 AM |

(And what do you mean, "hourly?" Suck it, Trebek!)

Life is sucking right now. I'm fighting a cold that has me all clogged up and slimy. I took some medication to alleviate the clogged-up-and-slimy issue, which helped slightly, but has made me completely retarded. It's amazing I have enough motor control to type. (Let's just say I'm using my backspace key a lot more than normal.) I keep falling asleep in the middle of typing UNIX commands, which can be disastrous, as there is a significant difference between "rm -rf /" and "rm -rf /some/directory/i/don't/care/about." (The former command would wipe out the system, for you PC weenies.)

As an added bonus, just before my cold symptoms kicked in on Sunday, I went to the gym and lifted weights for the first time in months. As a result, I have very satisfying pains in my chest and biceps. This is good. Also as a result, I have devastating, agonizing pain in my neck and right shoulder. This is, um, less than good. I feel like Nomar Garciaparra slammed a Louisville Slugger into me. (At least he'd be hitting something! ba dum bum)

Overall, I haven't felt this bad since that time I passed out at a party and Stefan stole one of my kidneys. Please kill me.
- posted by Bacon Dad @ 2:08 PM |

The defense said tests on the accuser's underpants found "other substances" from a "source" other than the Los Angeles Lakers' guard.

It appears most children have some genetic ability to rid themselves of the toxic mercury, the doctors speculate, while the children who develop autism may lack that ability -- explaining why the autistic children's systems retain more mercury, compared to the systems of non-autistic children who may have received just as much thimerosal in their shots.

• Phillies - Miss the playoffs for the 1734th consecutive season.
• Eagles - 2-3, and showing no signs of improvement, and entire team in denial about why, and how bad, they suck.
• Flyers - If they keep getting injured at the current rate, by February we'll be down to one line, consisting of me, Kyle, Bob Clarke, Milo, and Rick, with Hitchcock tending goal.
• Sixers - We'll have to wait and see, but I miss Larry Brown already.

Wife’s away for the night on an all-gal retreat. “Have fun syncing your menstrual cycles!” I shouted as they went down the stairs.

Meanwhile, check Today's Achewood out, it's good times. I'll check my usual sources and try and come up with some quality links for today to make everybody not think I'm an asshole.
- posted by Bacon Dad @ 1:39 PM |

From Matt in Atlanta: "As a Sox fan, I think we got exactly what we wanted, a Sox/Yankees ALCS. Is this the series where Roger, starting in Game 3 at Fenway, walks out to the mound, picks up the ball, rolls the rosin bag around in his hand, all of a sudden gets a crazed look in his eye, drops his glove, the rosin bag and the ball, and charges Jeter with a steel-chair in hand, lays him out, stands over him and while pointing at the Red-Sox dugout, rips off his pinstripes to reveal a Red Sox jersey? This would be the only scenario where Roger should ever get a standing O in Fenway."

This actually gets re-filed under the idiot COACH department. This was his bright idea. I can't wait to see how Rome handles this on Monday.
- posted by Bacon Dad @ 10:48 AM |

The teen will not be charged with wounding the intruder, Navarro said.

Small died after workers at the nursing home left a feeding tube running continuously until the liquid exploded from her body.

(Manassas, Virginia-AP) -- There will be another pretrial hearing in a Virginia courtroom this morning for sniper suspect John Muhammad.

Last week, his lawyers filed a motion asking a judge to dismiss the murder charges against him. They claim material in a new book about the shootings by two Washington Post reporters came from law enforcement officials -- in violation of the court's confidentiality order.

If the judge refuses to dismiss the case, Muhammad's lawyers want him to consider barring the death penalty or preventing use of any of the "leaked evidence."

Muhammad's trial is set to begin next week in Virginia Beach for the slaying of a man at a Manassas gas station.

RIYADH, Oct 7 (Reuters) - Saudi Arabia beheaded (THWACK fwump) a Pakistani man on Tuesday for smuggling heroin into the conservative Gulf Arab state, the Interior Ministry said. The execution, which took place in the port city of Jeddah, raised to at least 46 the number of people put to death this year in the kingdom, the birthplace of Islam. At least 45 people were executed last year, 75 in 2001 and 121 in 2000. Saudi Arabia, which enforces an austere version of Islamic sharia law, executes murderers, rapists and drug smugglers, usually by public beheading.

In my August column, I printed the toll-free telephone number of one of these groups, the American Teleservices Association. My thinking was: Hey, if the ATA feels its members have a constitutional right to call you, then surely the ATA feels that you have an equally constitutional right to call the ATA.

Well.

It turned out that a lot of you were eager to call up the telemarketing industry. Thousands and thousands of you called the ATA. I found out about this when I saw an article in a direct-marketing newspaper, the DM News, which quoted the executive director of the ATA, Tim Searcy. Here's an excerpt from the article:

''The ATA received no warning about the article from Barry or anyone connected with him,'' Searcy said. ". . . the Barry column has had harmful consequences for the ATA. An ATA staffer has spent about five hours a day for the past six days monitoring the voice mail and clearing out messages.''

That's correct: The ATA received NO WARNING that it was going to get unwanted calls! Not only that, but these unwanted calls were an INCONVENIENCE for the ATA, and WASTED THE ATA'S TIME!

I just hope nobody interrupted the ATA's dinner.

I forgot to mention something I learned last Friday evening: when removing the final bolt from a 60 pound bumper, make sure your foot isn't underneath it. Even if you're wearing steel-toed boots, as I was. That bumper came right off and landed, not on the steel toe, but right on my instep. It ached for a while. It was less than fun to do a 5K on it the next morning, too.

Also: I got some shit from Rick for what he perceived as a misspelling in the titles of these posts; his actual comment was, "Hey, how do you spell 'lightning?'" To which I responded, "Depends. If you're talking about the massive electrical strike, 'L-I-G-H-T-N-I-N-G.' If you're making a pun, and using the word 'lightening,' as in 'removing weight,' then 'L-I-G-H-T-E-N-I-N-G.' Asshole."

UPDATE: Retort from Rick: "Thanks for calling me an asshole, by the way. I still get more ass." I assume he means man-ass. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
- posted by Bacon Dad @ 9:43 AM |

The following incident took place at the US-Germany World Cup game Sunday, as referenced at ESPN.com:

Two naked women ran onto the field in the 57th minute with signs that read, ''Boycot Adidas'' and ''Adidas Kills Kangaroos.'' Both were taken off the field by security. Adidas is the World Cup sponsor and the protest by a California-based animal rights group was aimed at the use of kangaroo skin in athletic shoes.

However, as noted here, kangaroos are widely regarded as PESTS in Australia. There's some 58 million of them overrunning the country at the moment. It would be like protesting the killing of rats here.

So shut up already. But feel free to continue running around naked if you're hot.
- posted by Brian @ 4:25 AM |

ADDIS ABABA, Oct 3 (Reuters) - An enraged Ethiopian mother of five will be tried for the murder of her husband who died after she crushed his testicles in a fight, police told the state-run Ethiopian News Agency.

Police said on Friday the man was so embarrassed after the incident that he declined to seek treatment for the injury, and died days later.

"Following a disagreement over the husband's spending habits, his wife refused to give him his dinner and also decided to sleep alone," police in the western region of Wellega said.

"The husband was so angered by this affront by his wife that he tried to beat her. In the melee that followed, the wife grabbed and twisted his testicles causing serious damage."

Police said the unnamed woman, a resident of Wayu-Tuka district in Wellega, had had several rows with her husband over his free-spending habit on booze.
- posted by Brian @ 8:16 AM |

Matt says he likes racing against "girls", and he has no problems racing with them.

With kids wearing wide/long pants these days, I was mortified when my work slacks, which ended around the top of my shoes, were MOCKED by a group of teenaged girls who giggled behind me saying 'where's the flood' . . . I wanted to tell their moms.

Oh, I know how to handle that. I just spin around, eyes wide: 'I'll tell you where the flood is, children -- it's right behind you, a flood of righteousness and fury the likes of which your small petty minds cannot imagine! And it's comin' from the river of judgment with a wallllll of water a mile high, full of cows and cars and street signs and stuff, and who's surfing the crest? It's the Antichrist, and he's hangin' ten!'

This only works if you can back them into a corner; otherwise they just run off.

The guy who posted it seems to have stolen it from somewhere and doesn't want it widely spread so he won't get sued, but:

• He'd more likely get a mean email telling him to take the movie down before anybody sued anybody. You always get a few warnings.
• I don't know him, so if he does get sued, I don't give a fuck.

"While the argument is made that this is consensual . . . sadism is disrespectful and masochism is self-disrespectful," [Iowa Family Policy Center President, Chuck] Hurley said. "To fund something that is degrading or sexually violent can only lead to heartache."

(Side note: does the word "consensual" drive anybody else nuts? Event -> eventual. Spirit -> spiritual. Consent -> consensual? What idiot thought that up? Oddly enough, the word is rarely used outside of the phrase "consensual sex," in which case the word "sensual" almost seems to fit. Very bizarre. Makes me absolutely livid. Just wanted to share that.)

(Update on the consensual situation, courtesy of J-Lew:

Because the answer is "yes," I went and looked this up.

The answer is actually really really simple: "consensual" is not the adjectival form of "consent." It is the adjectival form of "consensus." And consent and consensus are not quite the same thing. Looking up Latin roots seems to corroborate this.

Thought you should know. :P