Sunday, February 29, 2004
 
Commentary on Life
MiloBloom34: Some people are amazingly stupid.
MiloBloom34: you know those stupid onstar commercials where they play back the real calls?
HyperFC: yeah
MiloBloom34: we just played one with some woman wailing
MiloBloom34: not only did she manage to somehow lock her daughter in the car, but in the meantime the daughter had managed to start hanging herself with the seatbelt.
HyperFC: nice
HyperFC: that's just perfect
HyperFC: nothing like stupid rich people
MiloBloom34: yep
MiloBloom34: if i'd answered the phone, I would have just let the lady stew
HyperFC: i can see them playing that tape
HyperFC: "ma'am, what kind of car is it? what color? can you give me the VIN number,please? it's located on the dash in front of the steering wheel..."
MiloBloom34: hehehe
HyperFC: yeah, that's definitely you
HyperFC: "is your daughter turning colors yet? blue? that's bad, ma'am... very bad. why did you do this to her?"
MiloBloom34: roflmao


 
Name For The Next Hearncat
BC-APNewsAlert,0027
PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti (AP) - Boniface Alexandre, chief justice of Haiti's Supreme Court, says he is Haiti's new leader.

You could call it B.A., as in Baracas.

 
BLEEP
I guess they mean it if they're putting it in writing.

 
Shhhh
Word is that neighbors of Hearndom II have the same problem.

Friday, February 27, 2004
 
Put your hands together for Homosexuals!
Achewood funny, for like the 34897th straight day.

 
Nice quote, Dad
Wonder if they were buttered?

 
No Good Can Come Of This
Shanley and I concurred today that we can only imagine how Hearn would have gone about writing this story.

 
Odd Stuff
I have no idea what the hell this is, but I showed up in it.

Thursday, February 26, 2004
 
Him made a funny
Hee hee hee. Good times.

 
Ah, the retarded irony
Racism is always funny. Always.
U.S. Rep. Corrine Brown verbally attacked a top Bush administration official during a briefing on the Haiti crisis Wednesday, calling the President's policy on the beleaguered nation "racist" and his representatives "a bunch of white men." Her outburst was directed at Assistant Secretary of State Roger Noriega during a closed-door meeting on Capitol Hill.

David Simon, a spokesman for the Jacksonville Democrat . . . noted that Brown, who is black, is "very passionate about Haiti."

Noriega later told Brown: "As a Mexican-American, I deeply resent being called a racist and branded a white man," according to three participants.

Brown then told him "you all look alike to me," the participants said.


 
Anti-Anti-Gay Protest in Texas
Wonkette is funny.

Also chedk this out, if only for the amusing quotes, like:

You're right, the amendment will not literally prohibit the gays from getting in the rear; in a literal sense, it will just deny the benefits of marriage to the gays (some of whom practice the back-door love). But we suspect that what really makes the Bushies uncomfortable is ass-fucking. The idea of it, we mean.

 
(POST DELETED)
(for being unfunny)

 
The Big Swollen Gallery
The Smoking Fish made an appearance at my workplace recently.

 
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I'm sorry. This has got to be the last straw. I have to shoot her.

 
Stick 'Em Up
I got a chuckle out of this for some reason... basically at the fact that the secret service dude's not just pointing a handgun at that guy's head, but rather, a REALLY BIG GUN.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004
 
Gettin' a little dusty here in the Hearn-cube
This is just really cool.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004
 
Call to action
I hope this wasn't faked. If it's real: is it sad, or is it hilarious? Can it be both? Discuss. Also, if anybody can verify that it's real, get all up ons. (from Jim Romenowski.)

 
Kyle's New Girlfriend
Kyle's Girl is HOT. And lazy. (From Dave Barry.)

 
From The "Why Didn't I Think Of That" Department
Perhaps the best part about Valentine's Day passing by is that my employer has stopped broadcasting horribly annoying commercials for one of those star registry places. This sounded fishy to me, so I looked into it, and found this. Just what I expected.

Now I'm not sure what pisses me off more -- the way these people craft their words to sound like they're really buying the star, or that they've more or less legally made millions by convincing 500,000 people to do it.

Monday, February 23, 2004
 
For the Evangelical Carpenter in your family
Corey on a strange topic: the sale of quasi-religious artifacts.

 
Tasty
BEST. HEMORRHOID. RELIEF. EVER.

 
Umm....
I think there's something psychologically damaging about driving two hours to work on two hours sleep and then watching this at 4:32 AM.

Also, I'm hoping Stefan happens by and understands the language this is written in.

Sunday, February 22, 2004
 
Chopp Chopp
I guess some people are just cut out for certain careers. (Swiped from Dave Barry)

Saturday, February 21, 2004
 
Stupidspeak
The illiterate dumbass who replaced me in Flint sent out a complete bastardization of the English language last night.
Generals’ Playing Assistant Coach, right wing Bobby Reynolds on a penalty shot, scored the game-winning goal. Reynolds was awarded the penalty shot at 11:11 of the third period after being hauled down while on a short-handed breakaway. On the penalty shot, Reynolds sent the puck top shelf, glove side on Rockford goaltender Ron Vogel, who got a piece of the puck, but deflected high into the air and into the net that turned out to be the game deciding goal.

The Generals started the comeback on a power play goal by Kevin Kerr (13) at 14:26 of the second period to cut the deficit to 2-1. With the goal, Kerr now has 653 career goals, just 11 shy of breaking the professional hockey league record (excluding the NHL) for most career goals. Former Saginaw Gear and Muskegon Lumberjack IHL-ER Scott Gruhl with 663 career goals hold that record.

Seriously. I didn't make that up.

Friday, February 20, 2004
 
Yankee or Dixie quiz
Hey y'all, take this here dialecticamable quiz and find out how Yankee or Dixie you is. (I's 'bout 57% Dixie.)

 
Stop kicking yourself! Stop kicking yourself!
Next time somebody threatens to take your leg off and beat you with it, take him seriously.

(Link from Jim Romenesko.)

 
They're nerds, Jim
This seems like an excellent use of 70,000 pounds (just over $100K) of school funds. I mean, when it comes to turning kids into unbelievable superdorks, money is no object, right?

(Link from Dave Barry.)

Thursday, February 19, 2004
 
The Gay Agenda
Hee hee hee...link from Andrew Sullivan. Good times.

 
Picking Up The Slack
Dumbass Hearn penned a new column the other day and didn't bother to tell anybody about it, so I'm doing so on his behalf.

 
JBC -- Abstracts: Kettner and Shenvi 259 (24): 15106
Hearnwife's dad wrote this. If you can translate that, and you're not HW's dad, you win a prize. Personally, it's caused me to seek therapy. Plus, I know if I walked around work saying things like "MeO Suc Ala Ala Pro boro Phe OH," they'd either send me home sick or have me committed.

 
Happy Hearn
I'd just like to note that as a result of Atomizer posting a link to us atop the Fraters Libertas homepage, we're already getting a few more hits and a few more comments. I am so pleased by this I have to change my pants again.

 
Get over it
God, I hate political correctness nazis so much.

(Link via Andrew Sullivan and Jeff Kay.)

 
CITIZEN-TIMES.com: Mars Hill professor resigns after student undresses in class
I am PISSED. Why didn't professors offers extra credit like this when I was still in college?
Mars Hill College has accepted the resignation of a longtime professor after he challenged students to disrobe in exchange for an A in his sociology class and one of them took him up on the offer.

College President Dan Lunsford said the professor didn't expect the student would actually take off his clothes during the class last Thursday evening.

Then he's an idiot. There wasn't a single class I took in college that I enjoyed so much I wouldn't've taken him up on the offer, and I guarantee there are plenty of other folks that feel the same way.

 
People being 'tarded
Jeff Kay on the subject of The Passion of Christ (new Mel Gibson flick):
I don't fully understand what all the hubbub is about, but I think the hand-wringers are trying to say he's anti-Semitic because Jews kill Jesus in his film. Now, I'm no theologian, by any stretch of the imagination, but isn't that the way it supposedly went down? I think Gibson is trying to faithfully illustrate that section of the Bible; it just wouldn't work if he had fat white Halliburton executives nailing Jesus to the cross, like his critics would prefer. Ya know? The funny thing is, I don't hear too many Jews complaining about it, it's mostly leftist intellectual elites. I have a suspicion that it has more to do with a strong dislike of all things Christian, than a concern about defamation. But what do I know?
A lot more than the average socialist hippie, I'd say.

(Jeff also posted this, which made me laugh myself hoarse. Yes, that idiot just walked into an electric fence.)

Wednesday, February 18, 2004
 
Cha-Ching
This sounds like something Matt would do.

 
Religion vs. Science; isn't there a middle ground?
Hindrocket over at Powerline posts on the subject of liberals vs. faith, and quotes a Washington Post article on an ABC poll:
An ABC News poll released Sunday found that 61 percent of Americans believe the account of creation in the Bible's book of Genesis is "literally true" rather than a story meant as a "lesson." Sixty percent believe in the story of Noah's ark and a global flood, while 64 percent agree that Moses parted the Red Sea to save fleeing Jews from their Egyptian captors. The poll found that 75 percent of Protestants believed in the story of creation, 79 percent in the Red Sea account and 73 percent in Noah and the ark. Among evangelical Protestants, those figures were 87 percent, 91 percent and 87 percent, respectively. Among Catholics, they were 51 percent, 50 percent and 44 percent.
I think there's a grey area that everybody is missing. Personally, if you asked me, "Do you believe that Moses parted the Red Sea?" I would say no. However, that doesn't mean I don't believe Moses somehow led his people through the Red Sea. I believe that it probably happened, but I also believe there's a scientific explanation. (Personally, I think that there was some kind of bizarre low tide, and Moses and the crowd were able to just walk across reasonably less damp portions of the bottom of the sea, and I believe that God had a hand in causing that low tide. Is it as dramatic as holding up a stick and having ocean just open a channel up? No. The important thing is that God helped his people escape the Egyptians, and I believe this to be what happened. The rest is just details. I think 99% of the Bible, as written, is untrue, but has basis in fact, and the message gets across.)

What does all that have to do with what Hindrocket posted? What I'm basically saying is that any poll that offers a simple "yes/no" response to a question of Biblical belief is missing a HUGE grey area. Do 61% of Americans believe in a literal interpretation of Genesis? I suppose anything possible. I don't know 61% of Americans. I consider it more likely, though, that many of those responding yes actually believe that Genesis is generally correct, but possibly incorrect on some specifics such as dates and intervals. That's different from saying "It's just a story somebody made up to get a message across."

Hindrocket also says:

Modern leftism has always been anti-religious at its core. The three great intellectual movements of the nineteenth century, founded by Marx, Darwin and Freud, were all rebellions against the European religious tradition. Marx sought to secularize history, Darwin to secularize biology, and Freud to secularize human nature. All three movements pretended to be scientific, but in reality were pseudo-science. Hostility to religion was their essence and their motivation.
Marx and Freud were certainly wrong, I'll give you that. But Darwin? I think saying that the roots of modern biology are "pseudo-science" is a bit absurd. Of course, taking that statement seriously is a little difficult if Hindrocket believes in a literal interpretation of the Creation, which he seems to do.

 
Soriano is my real dad
Bill Simmons on the Red Sox and the Yankees and why it ain't over just yet.

 
VIPER!
Dave Barry links to the Worst Sports-related Injuries Ever:
Controversial Wests Tigers winger John Hopoate has been suspended for 12 weeks after being found guilty by the NRL Judiciary of poking his fingers up the anuses of three North Queensland players.

"It wasn't a wedgie. That's when your pants are pulled up your arse. I think I know the difference between a wedgie and someone sticking their finger up my bum," said Jones, admitting that while both acts caused discomfort, they caused different sensations and he could differentiate between the two.

I just threw up in my mouth again.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004
 
Northern Alliance r0x0rs
I'd just like to note that Atomizer over at Fraters Libertas has quoted and linked me atop the page, although as of this writing he thinks my name is Mark. :) Oh well. A link is a link!

 
Don't you do it
213 things "Skippy" is no longer allowed to do in the Army. My faves:
  • Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
  • The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
  • Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.
  • I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
  • 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
  • I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

 
ew ew ew
What the shit?
In a bizarre confession yesterday, Ms Le Vot admitted she did not have cancer but was, in fact, a hermaphrodite who had used the excuse of suffering from the potentially fatal disease to cover up her embarrassment at a series of operations to become a woman.
I'm hiding under a desk until the world stops being so fucked up.

Monday, February 16, 2004
 
Atomizer digs chicks
Atomizer on gay marriage:
To all you gay marriage supporters out there who think you are being denied your rights...knock it off. You have equal rights. I, as a straight male, can marry a female. You, as a gay male, can also marry a female. Should you choose not to marry a female, that's fine for you. If you choose to "marry" a male...I'm sorry, but, you can't. And neither can I!!! That sounds quite equal to me.
That's like justifying a "Whites Only" water fountain by saying, "Hey, if I was black, I wouldn't be able to use it either! More than fair."

UPDATE: Atomizer and I have been emailing back and forth all day, and I think we'll just have to agree to disagree. He just doesn't believe in a fundamental redefinition of the word "marriage" to be more inclusive. Plus, he's smarter than I am...I think getting into a lengthy political discussion with likes of him would break my brain.

 
Double Nut Beatdown - OW
New Ray's Place over at Achewood. High-lar-ee-us. Ray on the subject of eyeglasses:
These particular frames belonged to my dad, Ramses Luther Smuckles (CFA Registered name: GC Tinkerbell’s Careful He’s A Spaniard) and I’m proud to wear them.
hehehehehe Spaniards

Sunday, February 15, 2004
 
Sleep Deprivation Insanity
A convo between me and The Hearn earlier, as he was nearing the end of an all-night work shift with no sleep at his computer slavery place and as I was beginning my work shift. I would like to point out that I work at a radio station, at which I use a computer to edit sound.

MattHearnCSC: Here comes the Thnikkaman!
MiloBloom34: ?
MattHearnCSC: I guess you didn't watch last week's Strong Bad email? You suh-uck.
MiloBloom34: Oh, that.
MiloBloom34: Perhaps I was distracted.
MiloBloom34: i'm watching again.
MattHearnCSC: Do you have sound?
MiloBloom34: did you really ask me that?
MattHearnCSC: It's been a long night.
MiloBloom34: Do you have computers there?
MattHearnCSC: Blow me.

 
My brain hurts
twitch twitch

This occupied me for like an hour. I'd still be playing if I hadn't looked up hints.

Friday, February 13, 2004
 
Inane Overcoverage
What we have here is, basically, a glorified campfire that all three Phily network affiliates insisted on covering for an hour straight. Granted, it was a 20-INCH gas main, but it hadn't hurt anybody and wasn't in danger of setting anything else on fire. Yet they still chose to pre-empt Wheel of Fortune. Rat Bastards.

 
SQUIRREL!!!
Squirrel Mayhem over at matthearn.com.

 
Arkansas Wisdom
This may not be true, but I don't care. A wise man once said, "Never let the facts get in the way of a good story."

 
Ludicrous World - Sunfist's Sorority Special
Thanks to Corey for this: How to be a Successful Sorority Girl (aka SoHos r0x0r)

Thursday, February 12, 2004
 
Satire - What Kind of Drunk Are You?

What Kind of Drunk Are You?

 
Valentine's is closing in!
Okay, I've said this before. But this time, I really mean it. BEST VALENTINE'S DAY PRESENT EVER.

 
In Da Hood
Check out our new hizzy.

 
Idea
Let's form a group and offer an unsolicited bid to take over a company, a la Comcast. Email Matt if you want to participate!

 
From The "I Hope You Rot In Hell And Die" Department
Hearn and I got nailed by this the other day. Read and beware.

 
Rant
Attention All Of You Who Were On I-95 South Between Delaware and Washington This Morning Between 2:30 And 4:00 AM:

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING THERE???? Don't you know the only good thing about driving to work in the middle of the night means that I'm supposed to have the road TO MYSELF??? There's no damn point if the drive is the same as if it's 2:30 in the afternoon! Oh, and to the idiot from New York in the Mitsubishi - it was such a joy to have your company this morning. I was really fucking irritated reassured by your habit of passing me at 85, then slowing to 65, then passing me again at 85 while I sat there with my cruise on at 75. I'm also pleased that you decided to stick with me for 35 miles. I don't know what happened to you... perhaps you got off at a rest stop, or maybe you ran off the road and burst into a fireball. Either way, thanks!

 
Ice Cold Tang
...is a great way to start the morning.

Monday, February 09, 2004
 
Our Hero

 
My wank is the key
Column over at matthearn.com. Note: fools who leave comments on this post, instead of actually over at matthearn.com, will be dealt with harshly, by which I mean ramrodded in the ear with my wank.

 
Technochocolates
Here comes the Thnikkaman.

 
I'm BadderAss
I just had to put mine up because I have more red on mine than Matt does. You can thank drum corps, UD basketball, and the UHL for that.


create your own visited states map or write about it on the open travel guide

 
Stole this from Noel
Here's all the states I've been to. I'm one well travell'd motherfucker, ya dig? Although apparently that band of states from Alabama to Washington holds no interest for me.
create your own visited states map or write about it on the open travel guide

Saturday, February 07, 2004
 
I grew a vagina once while watching "Steel Magnolias"
The headline says everything you need to know: Teenager Grows New Penis On Arm.

 
The Stoplights Are Laughing At Me
New offering today at milobloom.com. I recommend enjoying it with a nice white zinfandel. Or perhaps a Merlot.

[Link fixed by The Hearn 'cause Milo is retarded and linked straight back to this blog. Also: his archiving doesn't work. Retard.]

Friday, February 06, 2004
 
Daddy, get off me, you're crushin' my cigarettes
What the fuck?

 
Officer, I believe there was a bong, also?
They fought the law, and the law had to give them back their cheeba. Woohoo!

 
Achewood - February 6, 2004
Achewood RUL3Z:
Beef:So uh Todd what is your position on reproductive rights for women

Todd:Bitches gotta take their cunt pills! I ain't wearin' no gunny sack!


 
Cattle are amusing.
This brought a smile to my face. I hope it does for you, too! I think I'm drunk again.

Thursday, February 05, 2004
 
But what about the critical Spin Doctors endorsement?
His mother must be so proud.

 
Him so purty.
Sickness and pictures of John Kerrick over at matthearn.com.

 
Sieg Heil!
Jared should appreciate this:
A man who taught his dog the stiff-arm Nazi salute was given a 13-month suspended sentence Thursday for shouting "Sieg Heil" in public and wearing a T-shirt with a picture of Adolf Hitler on it.

 
They need some Queer Eye love
This headline improved my morning markedly: 3 Accused of Putting Hairpieces on Cows

Wednesday, February 04, 2004
 
Hehehe...she's a slut
This is scary for a variety of reasons. Obvious reason 1:
Torres, 26, had gone to the Radio Shack store in the Airport Plaza shopping mall in Farmingdale to pay her cell phone bill. The computerized receipt of Oct. 15 printed out her name and address. But instead of her hometown, Wyandanch, the sales slip said "Crimedanch."

"I was outraged. That's embarrassing," Torres said.

She brought the receipts to attorney Andrew Siben, of Bay Shore, who filed suit this week against the store in State Supreme Court in Riverhead.

Moneygrubbing bitch. Reason 2:
"I'm not a criminal," Torres said. "My son plays on the high school football team. I was raised there and I am proud of my community."
You may note above where her age was listed as 26. She has a high-school-age son. She may not be a criminal, but she is one easy slut!

 
Kill heeeeeem
Citizen Smash on a soldier's view:
It never ceases to amaze me how some people can claim to “oppose the war, but support the troops.” Let me clarify something here: we’re all volunteers. Almost every one of the brave men and women that I served with were proud to be defending our country, and passionately believed that our mission was worthwhile and just.

When you express opposition to the war, you’re pissing all over what we were fighting for. So please don’t insult us by explaining how we were just hapless victims of Dubya and his cronies. Our biggest complaint was that it took twelve years for someone to give us the order to finish the job!


 
Get 'em, Killer!
Racism comes in many forms, all of them funny.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004
 
Absolutely the most disgusting thing ever, bar none
Dave Barry links to The Nastiest Thing Ever. I just threw up in my mouth.

 
Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night
Ultimate Valentine's Day Gift, Part Deux.

 
Having Too Much Fun
Scenes from Milo Bowl 1

 
Shit Bitch!
Best Valentine's Present EVER.

 
It was COLD.
They took all the good lines out of this, but oh well.

Monday, February 02, 2004
 
WTF
Note the name of the assistant principal in the second row, on the left. How the HELL does that happen? Parents that pull shit like that should be shot.

 
Strike Three
The skinny on Little League umpiring. Coming tomorrow -- a recap of a golf tournament held in five inches of snow, which should be chronicled by Hearn before then.

 
Boobies!
Good ol' Matt Drudge coming through with some nice shots of Janet Jackson's breasteses, including a nice animated gif of the incident.

 
Holy Shit
I would just like to point out how ASS-LICKING EARLY it is.


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